To Do List

I will share one of the basic pieces of my life: I have a to-do list. I'm a procrastinator, and a disorganized one at that. On my to-do list for the week is to write a blog entry. But just because it's on the list doesn't mean it gets done this week. I might just get moved every week to the next week until I decide to just neglect it forever. I'll come back to this. . .

An update on my health: I feel grand! Good as ever. Unfortunately, my white blood count is too low, so I haven't had a treatment session for about 4 weeks. Next week I will probably be healthy enough for another treatment. I'm eager to get these done with. I should have only 3 more left. But that's not something I'm focusing on. I'm eager to be disease free, and so far it seems that that's where I'm heading. Not that it's a guarantee, or that it will stick around even for the next 3 months after treatment. But I'm hopeful. Thanks to all who have and are praying. I suppose what I heard from some source (sorry I don't remember who to give credit to), that the reason it's good to have many praying is that when God answers that prayer, many can rejoice in his goodness. Of course that assumes that you're praying the right prayer. God may not choose to answer it in a way that makes you immediately want to rejoice. But that becomes your problem and not mine ;-)

Back to my to-do list. Entry 3 for the week says "Volunteer Search". That's my sloppy way of telling myself to "look for someplace to volunteer, make yourself useful maybe once a week, in something that you enjoy". A few people have offered suggestions already -- Rest Haven, Spectrum, Kent County Jail, PRC. Thanks to all for those ideas. If you have any other ideas, I'd love to hear them. Or if you have specific ideas for what to do with the aforementioned facilities, let me know that too. I'm quite serious about this, even if I do procrastinate on it for a few more weeks. I'm curious to begin exploring my options.

That's it for now. All you silent stalkers, this is the time to comment and make yourselves. I look forward to the input, or random comment, whichever you like!

On Government Doles

I'm not one who likes to take money without working for it, but these days, I reluctantly find myself on multiple government doles (check my usage :-). Disability insurance (non-government), social security, and unemployment. And no, it isn't considered double-dipping, else I wouldn't be posting it. It works out to be enough to get me by. Anyone who's been out of work for more than a few weeks knows how dull and undesirable a state that is. Add to it chemotherapy and it becomes 100x worse. But I'm hopeful to return to a "productive roll" in society at some point in the near future. Not that I consider myself unproductive at the moment. It's just a type of productivity that doesn't and shouldn't pay.

Waiting

I'm still waiting for my old computer to boot up. I've been working on it for two weeks now. Without my computer, it's pretty hard to write new posts. But here goes on an other computer. Life is complicated. I don't need to say it again. You all know what I'm talking about if you've lifed on earth for more than 5 seconds. But some of us experience it differently, and some of us are asleep at the wheel and just don't realize it. I don't think I ever realized it like this before. I think it's my general disposition to being positive, whatever that means. But I really don't think about all the troubles and complicating factors of my life, except last week when sailing looked like a lot of fun but I couldn't do it because water and I don't agree with each other anymore. But complications are all around me. I'm really not talking about the computer issue anymore. That's just a minor blip. It doesn't even count. Not having a computer allows me time to think about life, work on organization (there's no place to step in my room -- that's because I'm organizing junk that has been stowed away for decades), and work on friendships. These things are all much more enjoyable than email, facebook, and all other sorts of digital entertainment. But the complicating thing is that without reliable access to a computer, the job front is hard to work.

It's been two full weeks now since my job dissolved right in front of me, like that candy I'd been saving since Easter that turned out to be hollow once I'd sucked away at the outer layer for a few minutes. There just wasn't anything left after the initial excitement. But perhaps that's life with a health crisis. I never know what to expect. There are so many things to do in order to try to maintain my professional life -- all of them require a computer. Okay, most of them. I've rediscovered the joy of libraries, though, which help me get by without logging on to the internet. So many magazines to browse that I never would have picked up before. Including the business journals, which, I presume, are there to help me find new local work to do. I'm searching for ideas. Trying to figure out what the next business problem will be so I can solve it. Unfortunatly, that kind of big thinking isn't for me. So most likely I am still looking for tradional work. But we will see where that leads. It's been so long sice I have had to think about making professional cold-calls on people. I used to find that fun, but I don't remember how to find that enjoyment out of it anymore. Perhaps that has gone, along with my former health. But I have not choice. I need to make it fun, otherwise I won't be doing it.

For now, though, I'm waiting out the simple life. I'm not eager to get to the more complicated things. Today, painting; tomorrow, a day of rest; Monday the pressure to get back to a high-tech world will come back around and I'll have to get to that computer, but for now, just a few minutes at a borrowed computer because I was compelled to write, then back to old fashion life. I can't wait!

how's that?

Sometimes I find myself checking my blog, looking to see if there's a new post. There never is? And then I remember that it's my job.

Dear friends, relatives, loved ones, and all those I don't know who still bother to read this

I'm addressing this to everyone. I'm not sure why some of you read it, especially those in the last catagory (of those I don't know). It's 11:30p. Why am I writing? Giddiness perhaps. I've been overly socially stimulated today, and I just don't feel like going to bed. I've decided, like Wooster, to by a Banjolele. Anyone know where to buy one or how to play one? Any insights are appreciated.

I suppose what I really need to say is, I feel great, just a week and a few days after surgery. Thanks for all those who dropped in, thought of me, or prayed for me. The opperation went well. The doctor was pleased. And the nurses loved me (I guess I'm an easy patient to take care of. They even wrote me a nice note when I got home. I wish I could follow up with some of them. They are lovely folks and many of them in quite the right profession). Right, so I feel great. In fact, I forgot I was post-op and started doing some heavy lifting only to be reminded by a big of a pain sensation that I have stitches running up and down my belly -- 3 layers of stitches and "steri-tape" on the outer dermal layer to keep the skin together without stiches. This is all very intreguing to me. I believe the higher incisions bleed a little more than the lower incisions. My last post went into that incision thing in a bit more details, but I believe that some locations are more prone to bleeding than others. Sorry to all those who find this boring.

It is official. Next week I'm going to Chicago to finish things up. Anyone there who wants to see me should be sure to contact me as I'm sure I'll be in great demand :-) Who knows when I might be back there again.

I had better stop writing now, as I think I'm making little-to-no sense as it is so late. Thanks to all my faithful readers. Good night!!

He must increase, and I must decrease

I have been learning a lot through this long illness. In discussing with my mother this afternoon, I have realized that rather than being the most miserable days of my life, these have been some of the Best days of my life -- Days that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Yes, I have incision scars up and down my entire front side, and other places that will go unnamed. Yes, I have an odd appearance such that I will never take feel terribly comfortable in the pool again (I can still dig sand holes and build sand palaces). But these are beside the point.

I have never known friendship the way that I know it now. In the past, my life has been distracted by school, then grad school, then work, then financial worries, and all the cares of this life. I tried to put together a social life in Northern Illinois, but I don't count myself as successful. Everyone was too busy, too far apart, and I'm just not an organizer. Now that I'm in Grand Rapids, I really feel like I have an understanding and an excitement for life. I'm bound and determined to get through this, and rather than sit around, I have more things to do in a day than I could ever imagine. More people to see, more people to write to, more things to think about. I can't even imagine how I get it all done.

I am so thankful for the friends that I always knew that I had, but have come out of the woodwork now that I've made myself more accessable (read: being a local again), who have shown me love and care, who have gone out of their way to do things for me, or just to talk about whatever happens to be on the mind. I feel a true freedom to have real friends and be a real friend. I'm learning what it means to be a friend as I think about what I would like to have in a friend. This has been amazing for me.

Don't think that the only think I'm thinking about is people though. This is like one of those revelations that I had when I finally finished school -- I have Free-time. No one is demanding anything of me. I can learn to write, I can journal, I can find new things to do like drawing, and planting, I can take university classes, and . . . who knows what I'll do. I'm even thinking of starting some sort of money making venture, or volunteer projects for the mean time, for the duration of my sickness.

I am so ready to get better. It may take a while, but I have plans, and I have time to make use of those plans. This is a feeling I've Never had before. Again I say, this is absolutely amazing. I should like to thank each of you individually who have made me think such grand thoughts by being a friend to me, and maybe I will. I hope that I can recipricate.

I truly believe this is God's doing, so that he can prioritize my life in the way that it should be, and not just in the way that I want it to be. I obviously was never able to figure that part out for myself. I am much happier now than I have been my whole life. Praise God with me!

Most recent stay

This most recent hospitalization was not so fun. Mayo has a lot of cool nurses, but I can't say that I really got attached to any of the Spectrum Butterworth nurses, except for the last night and morning I had some cool ones who just hung out and talked for a while. Those are the best -- the ones who make time to interact and tell stories and whatnot and care about who their patients are. Yes, they are all competent nurses, but some of them are only concerned about my immediate needs and don't really care about me as a person. There's a big difference and it shows. Perhaps my attitude toward them makes a difference too. Anyway, there was nothing particularly noteworthy about the stay in general. No cranky nurses or doctors, no getting me up at 3am to stand up and take a walk. The only odd thing was that a Doc came in at 3 am and appologized for not coming in the night before. So instead he woke me at 3 am to find out how I was doing. I told him I was tired and needed some sleep and could talk to him coherently in the morning. He kind of understood. I don't know why docs make their rounds at 3am.

I did have some wonderful visitors. Thanks to everyone who stopped by. I understand that midweek is not necessarily a good time for anyone, so no hard feeling toward any of you who would have liked to stop by but just couldn't. I was only in from Tuesday through Friday, so it was a short stay. Anyway, I really appreciated the visits and good times I had with some of you. Thanks so much!!

I'm happy that I had all this done at Butterworth. My doctor was competent and did a great job. No sense in going all the way out to MN to have a simple surgery done. I feel pretty good already. I was up and walking 2 hours after surgery and felt alright. I think I'll feel fine within the week and get back to normal activities. I've already told most of you that I'm reading a pretty cool book called Brothers and Keepers by John Edgar Wideman. I spend a couple of hours at Schulers trying to find a good new book to read. I haven't finished it as anticipated. It's about two black brothers -- one becomes an author and scholar, and the other becomes a murderer. Quite a story!

Well, that's enough for now. If anyone has a good book suggestion, I'll take it. But I won't finish this book for another month at best, so I may have quite the queue lined up by the time I'm done with this one.

Good night all!