Some of you may have heard already that the news is not so good. On Thursday, I received the hard news that my latest and last available round of chemotherapy is not working and the my cancer is growing and spreading. The speed of which I do not know. As most of you already know, I am looking for clinical trials as a "last ditch" effort. I will try to be clear and concise about my thoughts on this. For me, it is not a difficult topic, but I don't want to sound as if I understand or know it all.
What does this disease progress mean? The first thing it means to me is the potential of pain. Up to this point, I have had no lasting pain. I am beginning to feel that I have this nasty disease growing within my body. I feel it a little bit when I sleep, and it is causing some swallowing difficulty. The physical reality of the disease is dawning on me. It also keeps me in constant view of the bed -- sleeping always sounds like a wonderful relief to me. I'll never discourage the suggestion of sleep. But would I ever have? A nap has always sounded like a good idea. But it also means that I miss out on a lot of things that otherwise would sound good to me. Also, I don't think that I'd eat if food weren't given to me. Perhaps I'd get hungry after a while, but I'd certainly be in a nearly skeletal state by then
How bout the other pressing issues? There is the reality of death. I hesitate to mention this on a blog. But as I say, people have asked me to be frank. I will be brief on this. I believe that God has already established the length of my days long before I came into existence. There is nothing I can do to add a day to my life. I think more than anything, I should be thankful to know that my life may be nearing an end. I have a chance to get my affairs in order. God certainly could have ordained that I expire in a car crash, or by heart failure, or some quick, painful illness. He has not. Shouldn't I be grateful for this mercy? A minister I was listening to today said this in a sermon on Job: God will never take away anything unless he intends to replace it with something better. The Apostle Paul also said such a thing, To live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Well, there are other things. I'll try to keep this little side serious series running in parallel with the regular infrequent postings.
Adam...the 40-year-old mother of two of my Sunday School children was in the exact same place that you are this past summer...she did try experimental drugs (or attempted to), but had to take a full month off of all treatments. When they were going to begin with her treatments, they found she was too full of cancer by then to start...she passed away in mid/late-July, leaving behind 4 children, ages 9-15, and a husband with MS in year #11 with his illness...that said, the faith I have seen out of that woman and that family is one of the most incredible testimonies of God's Love, Grace, & power I think I have ever seen anywhere...from a worldly perspective, there is the pain, suffering, loss, grief, and all of the hard things about your situation...but, I want to encourage you that God has given you an honor of having His glory just beam out from every aspect of you through your circumstances...while your body may become weaker, your soul is drawing ever nearer to the LORD, and you ARE a spiritual WARRIOR, Adam...I can't fathom being in your shoes...but, I can say that God is going to produce so much Good through this, not only for your eternal good, but for so many other people...I have lost a number of friends at young ages already, and the impact of some of those losses has convicted so many people to turn to Christ, to live their lives fully, and to love people openly without holding back...I have to believe that God is doing something every bit as powerful with your life. He is an economist...He wastes nothing, not even a second of your pain...without accomplishing something WITH it. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I wish I could alleviate the pain and heartache of what you must be going through. You are in my prayers and thoughts...the best thing I can encourage you to do is to run toward your Savior...He understands pain, unwarranted...undeserved...unexpected in some ways...and, for whatever reason, He has chosen you to be worthy of suffering for Him in these ways because He loves you, He knows you inside out (as well as what this means in the big picture of eternity for all of us), and He wants you to be with Him...maybe sooner than the rest of us...I read a post from that family just last night about the wife passing away...when she died, she held out her hand like she was taking someone's...the family felt convicted that it was her taking hold of her Savior's hand as she crossed into eternity, where there is no more pain or suffering...Jesus is right with you, Adam...He will not leave you...and He is right there to take your hand, if that is what His will is...I am praying for comfort and strength for you, as well as perseverance to run this hard race set before you. I know you will make it to the end in complete victory, through Him who gives you strength. Sincerely, Rachel
ReplyDeleteAdam, I am with you in spirit--I uplift you in prayer, sometimes throughout the day just saying to the Lord..."Adam!!!" I know He knows exactly what you need at that moment. I have grown to love the young man you are--your testimony, your wit, your honesty, and your journey you are on. Sometimes I try to come up with something very profound to say, and of course, that's a silly thing to try to accomplish...you don't need profound from Aunt Marge...Scripture always has a central place, both Psalm 121 and Psalm 90 have been near & dear to my heart as I walk my journey. So thankful you continue to lean on Him and continue to nurture hope! You encourage me on my unknown journey--which afterall, we are all on; some of us just have more clear road signs.
ReplyDeleteWell, suffice it to say, as I ramble on, (one of my characteristics) that I admire you and thank God for letting you be a part of my life!
Love, Aunt Marge